• Well, we’re back from our election trip, and everything is terrible. But we’re kicking this episode off with a soothing meditation session to help you ugly cry those election woes out.
• Speaking of the election, we’re taking a break from politics this week. Sorry not sorry.
• We share stories of our adventures in DC, and Laura’s harrowing tale of being bullied by a second grader brings on the feels.
• Fantastic Beauty and the Beasts starring Hermione Granger coming to a theater near you!
• New from JKR: Andrew Sims and the Prisoner of Glowing Japanese Toilets.
• Apart from electing Orange Hitler, the US fails in other ways: tales of sugar addiction and lack of butt hoses (for that nice clean feeling!).
• Lauren from Dallas actually answered her phone, so we’ll be “surprising” her exclusively from this point forward.

And in this week’s After Dark:

• Call it a Facebook Newsfeed, they said. It won’t negatively impact the election at all, they said.
• “Hillary Clinton drinks the blood of puppies and bathes in stem-cell baths daily.” We report – you share to your racist cousin’s wall like a fucking idiot.
• Is this really happening?