Welcome back, sycophants.

• We’re joined this week by comedian Liz Magee for our first “Ask Me Anything” style interview! Check her out on Twitter: @JokesMagee

• Our LOTR movie commentary is coming on April 11th. The eagles are coming!

• Quickfire News takes us to Chuck Grassley’s secret Q&A events and Ted Cruz’s deviant fantasies. Spoiler alert: You don’t want to participate in either of these things.

• The FBI managed to unlock the San Bernardino shooter’s phone on its own. Everyone tweet “@FBI please clap.” Tag us.

• Liz Magee describes in vivid, burning detail the struggles of being prone to UTI’s.

• What do you do when you have 15 minutes of airtime to fill, and only 5 minutes of dick jokes?

• We learn a little bit about what it’s like to be one of the few women in stand-up comedy. Don’t worry – it’s just like being a woman in any male dominated field!

• The world is shocked to know that women like to laugh! Shocked we tell you!

• Hidden from the Headlines shows us why we’re going to jail one day, and why a certain police department apparently has way too much time on its hands.

• No Context is brought to you this week by ‘Matt can’t follow directions.’

In this week’s installment of After Dark, we introduce Liz to Devil’s Advocate and have a discussion on the broke millennial experience.

• Stop telling us when our balances fall below $25. We’re acutely fucking aware.

• We share some of the most bizarre jobs we’ve taken to help pay the rent. One of them involves a cat named “Apache.”

• Somehow this turns into a discussion about how we can make bank producing dinosaur porn? What?

• We don’t even know how we got here.